Nome Land

Subject: Super Funtime Activity Squad

Consistency is the enemy of..um…well, me. That’s not going to become a famous proverb, but what matters is that you’re hearing it now. No gods no masters, that’s what I always say in regards to this newsletter. I say it all the time. Everyone knows that’s what I say. “Nome won’t be boxed in,” they say. “This Newsletter keeps me on my feet.” This isn’t me talking; you can tell because these phrases are in quotations.

All Dichotomies are False Dichotomies

  1. Self/Other
    • The first mistake is believing that you can cleanly distinguish what is self from what is not. Find the border of where the world ends and I begin.
    • Q1: If you place something in a donut’s hole, is it part of the donut or not?
    • Q2: Do you think it would be a fair analogy to say that the digestive tract is basically a donut hole?
    • My skin is constantly respirating, exchanging molecules with my surroundings.
    • Q3: I am a microbiome unto myself (so are you, I’m not that special). Are the billions of bacteria living inside me myself, or are they other?
    • Your Turn! Excercise 1: Create a map of your entire body at the cellular level. Color every part that is you in your favorite color. Color every part of you that is not you in puce. I have made the assumption that puce is not your favorite color, but if it is you must accept your erasure. All of you is not you, you do not deserve yourself.
  2. Before/After
    • I am 33 years old. That does not mean I am not 32 years old, because I am also still 32, and 30, and 26, and 18, and 12, and all the other years old. Thirty-three is simply the oldest of the years that I have.
    • WWII happened before 1942. It was also happening after 1942.
    • After is just Before but with a little party hat and a fake mustache, which is to say: it’s kind of embarrassing that you didn’t recognize they’re the same guy.
    • Excercise 2: Take a selfie. Wait 30 seconds. Now take another selfie. This is your before and after shoot.
    • Q4: What is the “After” photo after?

That’s all for today’s SuperFunTime Activity Zone! And now a word from our sponsors.

Send in your answers to the questions and excercises above and I will absolutely publish them in next month's newsletter! 📒🖊📬 As always, get @ me ➡️➡️➡️ nome@nome.land

AIRHORNS begin blaring.

ANNOUNCER
The Time Space Continuum!

SULTRY VOICES offscreen beging WHISPERING repeatedly throughout the commercial.

SULTRY VOICES (O.S.)
It’s continuous! (It’s continuous.)

The disembodied head of BILL NYE appears, rotating on its verticle axis. LASER BEAMS shoot haphazardly across the screen.

ANNOUNCER (O.S. with heavy distortion)
Didn’t you know? Everything in the Universe exists relative to everything else! Discrete categorization runs counter to the fabric of reality…

FRIENDLY VOICE
A larger fabric selection than anywhere else! We’ve got denim, micro-suede, poly-cotton blends, big name patterns from your favorite designers! 20% off this weekend only—

CUT to LITTLE GREY ALIENS huddled close together.

ALIENS (CHANTING)
I am you. You are me. We are we.

PAN OUT to reveal that LITTLE GREY ALIENS are holding hands. A stereotypical 1960s HIPPIE runs in front of the LITTLE GREY ALIENS while tossing FLOWERS. The AIRHORNS start in again and everyone begins covering up their ears/ear-slits with their hands. The SULTRY VOICES stop whispering and instead start COUGHING. The ANNOUNCER comes back.

ANNOUNCER
Aaand we’re all out of time here folks!

Cue ENTROPY, followed by slow death of UNIVERSE.

Ask a Gecko Something in my Vicinity 🎉🎉🎉

Ayyyyyyy it’s that time again! Time for your favorite advice column, Ask a Gecko! Subbing in for the gecko this month is a bleached cow skull. Because no one wrote in, our letter this month comes from reddit. NSFW, contains sexual descriptions of the fictional ogre Shrek.

Okay so basically 20 minutes ago I was texting my girlfriend and I went on r/copypasta to try and find something funny to send back and I found the jackpot. A gay fan fiction about shrek, titled: Shrek is love. Quotes from this include: “He skewers me on his shrock (shrek-cock) and begins using my asshole to pleasure himself.” So I sent it to my unsuspecting girlfriend. 15 minutes later I checked if there was a response but then I realized I hadn’t sent it to my girlfriend, I had sent it to my 82 year old grandmother… for some unknown, bewildering reason I don’t have pictures or special names for anyone on my phone and my grandma and girlfriend’s names start with the same two letters. Her image of me is a nice, smart, handsome young man AND I JUST SENT HER A GAY SHREK PORNO. HELP ME. I don’t know what to do and she hasn’t opened it yet. What do I say???? On iMessage you can’t delete a message on someone else’s phone so that’s out of the question. All the while my girlfriend is laughing at me over the phone and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE HELP ME. -moistenedtowelettes

Dear moistenedtowelettes,

The cow skull’s hollow gaze is piercing and discomfiting. It reminds you that regret is in the purview of the living. Look deep into those empty pools. Your grandmother may be old, but she is yet alive. She still might raise her face upward that the sun might kiss it, and in her age and wisdom has seen things that would make your youthful mind swim. Oh, to be a nice, smart, handsome young man, your bones still wrapped in skin and muscles.

The skull is motionless. In the face of sober mortality, our errors and gaffes are but dust and chaff. Just tell your grandma you were hacked.

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