Subject: All I Don't Want For Christmas
With the solstice upon us and the year coming to a close, I know there’s just one thing on everyone’s minds. Well, perhaps not everyone, but certainly the readers of this fine newsletter have been wondering, nay, clamoring to know: what, amongst the sea of supermarket-worthy mediocrity, are the actual worst Christmas songs? Have no fear, faithful reader, for this very question has haunted me for years now. For years! And that is not an exaggeration.
It’s easy to underestimate the difficulty of this task. Most Christmas music is sort-of bad, and it’s usually bad in the same ways. Newer Christmas albums tend to be more or less soulless cash grabs, and even when an artist seems overcome by a surfeit of holiday spirit, the songs tend to be unremarkable. Everyone has different opinions on what good Christmas music is, and I have no interest in throwing my hat into that rodeo. I’m not even particularly fond of Christmas music, and yet I take pleasure in finding the songs that are notably heinous.
I was initially surprised to discover just how many different artists put out Christmas albums, especially the bands I’d thought were long-gone and broken up. You may be surprised to discover that The Goo Goo Dolls released a new Christmas album just this year, in the year of our lord two-thousand and twenty-three. So did My Morning Jacket, Alanis Morrisette, and Wheatus. I can imagine that beyond the obvious interest in cashing in, a holiday album may be a fun prompt for these artists. Sometimes limiting yourself and taking the pressure away from making something original can be quite liberating. But not all ideas are good ideas, and not everything that’s fun to play is fun to hear.
There’s four basic types of Christmas songs, and I’d like to dredge up something awful from across the entire swath. There are the relatively faithful covers of classics, the personal re-interpretations of classics, original songs (sincere), and original songs (parody/comedy). Any one of these types has the potential to be horrifically bad, and each type has the potential to be horrifically bad in its own specific way. It’s easy enough to just say you hate all comedy Christmas songs, or mainstream country covers, etc. But this is not a review of hateable Christmas music, which I would argue is most Christmas music. The worst Christmas music should make your inner child feel a little nauseous. It should feel Wrong.
Classic Covers
Bob Dylan “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”
Runner up: Bright Eyes - Away in a Manger
Whether you love Dylan’s voice or hate it, I hope we can all agree that his rendition of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” is not working. The arrangement itself is classic and well-done, and I suspect that’s part of what makes the song so specifically awful. Dylan is at his best when he sings with sneering passion or gritty pathos, and neither is present here. Instead, we have the raw edges of his voice flat-lining against a highly polished background. It makes me feel a little dead inside, and I don’t think it’s supposed to.
The Bright Eyes song is just so bad. I cannot imagine anyone listening to this song on purpose. I can’t imagine what possessed them to make a Christmas album.
Re-inventions
AllieXion X “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Runner up: Justin Bieber - Drummer Boy
How did I even find this renditiion of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”? That’s a great question. I don’t know. It appears to only exist on Spotify. I think an argument could be made that if you had to pick a Christmas song most appropriate for a trap remix, it would be this one. I admit I’m also biased—of all the “horny for Santa” songs out there, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is my least favorite. This song is kind of funny, but in the way that you have to pause after about 20 seconds or else you start to question whether or not life has any meaning. I don’t even know what to say about this song, mostly because I can’t seem to make myself listen to it again to make notes.
I’m not proud to admit it, but I sort of like Bieber’s Christmas album. Look, the kid can sing and it’s the sort of highly-produced spectacle that feels appropriate to the general capitalist overwhelm of lights and sounds that accompany the season. This song starts off as a bop. And then the beat drops, and Beebs starts rapping, and from that point forward it is a horrible mistake of a song. I feel so bad for Busta Rhymes that he felt like he had to be on this. Bieber literally says “I’m surprised you didn’t hear this in the Bible/ I’m so tight I might go psycho.”
Originals (sincere)
Sufjan Stevens “Ding-a-ling-a-ring-a-ling”
Runner up: RuPaul - Hey Sis, It’s Christmas
Fun fact: Did you know that Sufjan has released over 100 Christmas songs? I have not been particularly studious in listening to them, and it’s quite possible that this one is not the worst. Who knows. Maybe in the context of the 3-album set that it was released on, it makes some sort of sense. He’s done both originals and classics. Some are quite pleasant. Some are haunting in a good way (if you’re into that sort of vibe). This just is like a cheesegrater against my soul. His cover of Jingle Bells is also quite hard to finish. The children sound a little bit like they’ve been abducted and forced to do this.
I don’t know if RuPaul deserves a place here, mostly because all of his songs are soul-less cash grabs, not just the Christmas ones. It is exactly like every other RuPaul single: bland and dance-able, competently produced yet wholly unremarkable. They lyrics are clever and funny but ring hollow.
Originals (comedy/parody)
Wheatus “Christmas Dirtbag”
Runner up: The Killers - Don’t Shoot me Santa
As any of the (admittedly few) people who have seen me do karaoke know, “Teenage Dirtbag” is one of my standards. The song is goofily sincere and requires absolutely no singing ability. It makes it extra surprising that in “Christmas Dirtbag” the vocals are noticeably bad, considering the vocal quality didn’t matter at all in the enjoyment of the original. I do sort of love the earnestness of the lyric “does Santa Claus know who I am?” However, losing the “damn” in the next line also loses the internal rhyme and leaves me feeling unsettled. It’s like Wheatus (who else is surprised they still exist???) has kidz-bopped themselves.
I’m pretty sure the Killers’ track is supposed to be a parody of the genre, but the fact that I’m not sure is not a good sign. I think they are trying to be funny. Again, I don’t know. It starts off somewhat palatable and then it just gets worse.
Special Mention
Afroman “Santa Cuz”
Afroman has not one, but two Christmas albums. I listened to multiple tracks, assuming that at least one would end up on this list. Here’s the thing, though. The albums manage to do that thing where they are so bad, they’re good. Santa Cuz just sounds like a really cool guy. I enjoyed every minute of listening to this song. “Police Blow my Wad”, sung to the tune of “Feliz Navidad” is pretty bad, but at least these songs are spirited, joyful, and fun. You can tell that Afroman had a great time making these albums.
See you next year!
There are some exciting things in store for 2024 (which rhymes, btw). Lemonfritz will be getting an upgrade to his home. I’ve been researching bioactive terrariums, which are closed ecological systems that try their best to be faithful to the critter’s original habitat—bringing in live plants, microorganisms, and a clean-up crew of small bugs. It’s a little trickier to do arid desert habitats (where leopard geckos originate) than wetter, tropical climates. However, there’s a lot of great information out there, and I’m hoping to give the little guy a much more stimulating, healthy, and attractive home.
Stevie and I are doing well, and we hope you all are, too!