Subject: The #Blessed Ones
As pretty much anyone confined to their vacation home without any staff to maintain the pool will tell you, right now is a time for reconnectiong with what really matters. Family. Learning how to use TikTok. Finally using that home theater you had installed last year. Getting your hands just a little bit dirty (but then washing them with lots of soap!!). Living. Laughing. Loving. Feeling really good about yourself for getting that moat put in a while back, even though the tabloids mocked you—well, who’s laughing now? Going back to a simpler way of living. Cooking your own food. Dancing like nobody’s watching.
Wow. It really is a time to be grateful that you had the foresight and prescience to install the moat. Is your family so safe and so well-off because God rewards this kind of self-sufficiency and wisdom? It’s a good time to start saying grace at dinner, that’s for sure. There seems to be a group of people gathered at the moat. They seem angry, but it’s hard to make out what they’re saying over the sound of your backup generators. It seems they are upset about the fort that you and your daughters built out of toilet paper.
In a different time, before you had reconnected with your values, this would have bothered you. But now? You’re proud to push crass materialism aside. So what if the fort doesn’t match the rest of your perfect Frank Lloyd Wright modernist landscape? You scoff. They are the ones who should be ashamed, focusing on aesthetics during these difficult times. But this has been your life, almost as long as you care to remember. A light, shining into every nook and cranny of your privacy.
Oh well. This is your cross to bear. You often relate to the Christ figure. Your home is your temple. Or wait, did Jesus try to drive people out of the temple for some reason? You can’t remember and it doesn’t matter. What you realize, right now in this poignant moment, is that religion is all about instinct. The words and actions are irrelevant—it’s all about this lightness that fills you up, bubbles out through you, you who are so much better-looking and gifted than the rabble gathered at your shores, shouting incoherently in your direction.
It is during these times of reflection that the lightness threatens to overflow, and you feel as if you could cry (not that you do). The mass across the moat blurs and time goes still. The only thing you see moving is the ancient silhouette of one of the alligators, a time traveler from another eon gliding through the placid waters. You drop to your knees, a supplicative instinct you did not know you had.
But enough about you. I’m over here looking at the vine growing from my landlord’s placenta, trying to strangle the cherry tree in full bloom. I don’t think it’s symbolic, but it could be. I, too, am connecting with my home. Establishing a sense of place. Wondering if it would be appropriate to put whiskey in my coffee this early in the day. The best thing about sitting in the yard is that my cat comes running toward me the moment she sees me, then suddenly veers off to the side and saunters, as if she just happened to be running and didn’t even realize I was there. It feels nice to know that at least someone is still trying really hard to put on appearances for me.
Ask a Gecko
It would be foolish of you to imagine the gecko would appear to answer questions two months in a row. He’s currently throwing a tantrum because I cleaned his tank. He is also throwing a tantrum because no one even bothered to write in, and he wonders if you even care about his wisdom or advice. This month’s letter will instead be pulled from Reddit. Our guest columnist this week will be the trademark litigation team from Monster Energy Drinks®
Am I wrong for feeling annoyed my friend named her dog my old dogs name?
u/xoaxx
Dear u/xoaxx,
Feeling annoyed isn’t going to get you anywhere. Did you do a comprehensive search with the U.S. Patent and Trademark office before you named your dog, to ensure the name wasn’t already a registered trademark? Even if you trademarked the dog’s name, keep in mind that it is your responsibility to protect and maintain the trademark. Consider sending your friend a cease-and-desist letter, that may be enough. Otherwise, a lawsuit may be necessary to protect you. Of course, if you didn’t take the necessary steps to begin with, you are, to use a phrase from the common parlance, screwed. None of this would have happened if you had consulted a top trademark litigation team before you named your dog, but oftentimes, people only think of sensible and necessary legal protections once it is already too late.
Just a disclaimer! I am not a lawyer! And the above is absolutely a satirical advice response and should not be taken as legal advice! Also if you really followed that advice you would absolutely be a dick! Want to write in? Maybe the gecko would come back! You never know! 👉Send a letter to the editor: nome@nome.land